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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/27092668">Her Last Gift</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Serena_Rose/pseuds/Serena_Rose'>Serena_Rose</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>The Good Place (TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, F/M, Grief/Mourning, Healing, Hopeful Ending, Moving On, One-Sided Relationship, Pining, Post-Finale, Unrequited Love, Unresolved Romantic Tension</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-10-19</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-10-19</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-09 03:22:10</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>7,374</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/27092668</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Serena_Rose/pseuds/Serena_Rose</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>How do you deal with knowing the one you loved wanted to end their existence than stay with you?</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Guitar Teacher/Michael (The Good Place), Michael (The Good Place) &amp; Eleanor Shellstrop, Michael (The Good Place)/Eleanor Shellstrop</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>11</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>29</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Her Last Gift</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>A cathartic deconstruction of Michael and Eleanor's relationship in the finale and how...distant they seemed to be compared to the closeness they had in previous series. I know we Hellstrop shippers prefer to believe there were happier moments and real goodbyes that Mike Schur just 'forgot' to write or didn't care to put in, but this is a look at taking pretty much what we got and the lack of resolution through Michael's point of view as he learns to process them and try to move on. Eleanor's feelings are meant to be left vague and can be interpreted as you please.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“So, what was her name?”</p><p>He looks up to the woman sat in the chair to his right, pulling his floating brain back to Earth after having drifted off for a few seconds.</p><p>Michael blinks; “Sorry! Whose name?”</p><p>“The girl you wrote your songs for, of course.” Mary gives him that smile, full of teeth and light that she brings with her on every lesson.</p><p>He blushes, feeling a paw tap his knee. He passes Jason his cactus-shaped chew toy that was on the sofa and the good boy is smart enough to know not to jump on the furniture when visitors are around.</p><p>“What makes you think there was a girl?”</p><p>She gives a soft chuckle; “Songs like those, there’s always a girl behind them. If it’s a guy then they’re usually more angry and about wanting revenge. I hear a lot of those from the young ones I teach.”</p><p>Michael gets back to trying to tune the guitar on his lap.</p><p>“There was a girl…She’s gone now.” He whispers.</p><p>The face of his guitar teacher falls with regret as she hears the grief-ridden inflection of his words; “Oh, Michael, I’m sorry.”</p><p>“No, no…It’s fine.” It’s always fine; “It’s…what she wanted.”</p><p>Shit, that just made it sound worse.</p><p>He sees Mary’s hand fly up to her mouth in shock. He wants to tell her that it’s not what she thinks…Not exactly. It’s nowhere near as messy or literally depressing as it is when a human tries to destroy themselves before they’re dead. He wishes he could tell her that it’s peaceful. That it’s what saved Heaven.</p><p>Michael doesn’t tell her any of that. He can’t.</p><p>His lips are sealed as Mary reaches over to give his wrist a squeeze; “You can tell me about her, if you want.”</p><p>That’s the last thing he can do.</p><p>The last thing he wants to do is talk…</p><p>Talking about it makes it real. It means acknowledging what happened before he came to Earth, his final few weeks in the afterlife, where he’d spent the first billions of years existing. It’s much easier to keep it all bottled up inside and to only let it out in the sad, mopey songs he writes like the one he was half-way through showing Mary just now.</p><p>If he starts talking, then she might regret asking. She might try to palm him off on a different teacher.</p><p>“It’s a bit of a long story,” He says with a small smirk; “Probably best I pour us some coffee.”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>*</p><p> </p><p>It had started with a knock on the door.</p><p>That night after Chidi left, when she had turned up in front of Michael’s office, before collapsing into his arms. He’d never asked why she had knocked instead of coming in as she always did. He never tried to press her on anything she did or didn’t want to talk about. Just give her time. Let her grieve.</p><p>They laugh a little over old times and jokes, but it’s mostly tears, and hugging, until the night drags on for what seems like half a Bearimy and Eleanor’s exhaustion finally pulls her to lie down. Michael covers her with a plush blanket, his mind already spinning to decide what to do for her next, the ache in her heart an open, raw wound to his demonic sight.</p><p>
  <em>Be there for her, she needs you. You’re all she has now.</em>
</p><p>When she finally falls asleep on the sofa-bed he sets up, he gets to work renovating the office, making it more cosy for her. The door behind his desk opens up to a corridor of everything she could need. A bathroom, a game room, an endless seafood buffet lounge, a balcony seat to a loop of womens MMA championships. He designs it all around her needs and her desires, except the one thing she wants he can never give her back. The one person. But if the least he can do to help is give her somewhere to stay before she’s ready to go back home, or if she just wants to come back and forth on the nights when she doesn’t want to be alone.</p><p>He’s coming back from checking the theme park garden has just the right scent of fries and vomit when he finds the sofa-bed in the office empty. All that’s left is a post-it note stuck to the cushion, along with a few strands of blond hair.</p><p>
  <em>Thanks, bud. I feel much better. Meet up soon. X</em>
</p><p>Ah.</p><p>Well, that’s good. It turned out that he read her wrong, it seems, and she’s okay. Michael folds the note in his hand, feeling like an idiot for having thought she would actually want to…Ridiculous, really.</p><p>He keeps the rooms. Just in case. But for now he restores his office to normal, trying to keep his eyes from wandering over to the green door shimmering to his right.</p><p>There’s work to be done.</p><p> </p><p>*</p><p> </p><p>She doesn’t knock again.</p><p>She doesn’t just waltz in, either. Not freely, not like she once did.</p><p>At first, he tries not to think much of it. She needs time. She has all the time in the Universe, which is infinity, and she will come to him when she’s ready…if she wants. Besides, she has other friends. Human friends. They’re probably better for her to talk to about all this stuff than he is. Even Janet knows what she’s going through better than him.</p><p>In fact, it’s only through Janet that he’s able to get her to come visit his office again.</p><p>He tries to be bright and cheery for her. He doesn’t mention the bags under her eyes from where she’s clearly not been sleeping.</p><p>“There she is!” Michael greets with open arms.</p><p>The air around her is pricklier than any cactus their not-robot friend could produce.</p><p>“Janet said you wanted to see me, what’s up.” She asks, briskly, as if she’s running on short time. Which is, surely, impossible here of all places.</p><p>He presents her with a gift basket he made himself full of candles, essential oils and books on coping with loss. He gets her to stay for lunch.</p><p>All she wants to talk about is finding her Moment.</p><p>The thing she needs to be complete so she can move on like the others.</p><p>Nothing seemed wrong, to begin with. They’re still able to laugh, she can tease him about sucking at the guitar, which is fair enough because he does but that just means he still has a lot to work on. And he still has the afterlife council. He wishes that she would still come to some of the meetings like either her, Chidi, Tahani, or even Jason a few times used to, especially at the start. Maybe they’ve done enough saving of humanity for a thousand lifetimes. The meetings get shorter and shorter each week with less wrinkles to iron out.</p><p>And now he has a new side project to work on, helping Eleanor to find what she needs to be complete, as he’d promised her that night.</p><p> </p><p>*</p><p> </p><p>No one can argue that when Michael has a mission, he dedicates himself to it one hundred percent.</p><p>First it was designing a whole new torture system. Then it was trying to get the humans into the Good Place. Then it was trying to get every human into the Good Place.</p><p>Funny how, looking back, those all seemed like child’s play compared to his latest endeavour.</p><p>He should know the answer. He knows Eleanor Shellstrop better than anyone. He’s studied her entire life the way a Tolkien nerd studies the Silmarillion. He drafts up a chart of all the possible things she needs to do, all the loose ends, all the bust-ups with people from her past or wasted moments. It’s the most time he gets to spend with her, the two of them brainstorming ideas in his office, just like when they once ran a neighbourhood together.</p><p>And it’s the most fun he’s had in Bearimys.</p><p>Just the two of them, eating junk food, taking notes, joking about the past, remembering they’re supposed to be ‘working’ and trying not to get distracted. It takes Michael back to their study groups, all those many years ago. The time he considers to be the true beginning of his existence.</p><p>The time when he began to fall in love for the first time.</p><p>He doesn’t dare to hope that these fleeting moments with her become anything more than what they are. He knows she still kisses Chidi’s calendar every day. She watches that tape every night before bed – no, he’s not spying, he’s just visited enough to be aware of her routine. The jacked professor might have vanished from existence but he was still as real and solid as ever in Eleanor’s heart.</p><p>Michael doesn’t need more than what they have. This friendship. To be the one she keeps coming back to when she’s in need of…anything.</p><p>But as time goes on, their plans yield no results, and she remains in Heaven.</p><p>Much to her disappointment.</p><p>Her frustration is contagious and Michael finds himself ready to bang his head against the wall as he looks at the list of failed suggestions for what Eleanor needs to do.</p><p>“Hey, Janet.” He asks one day.</p><p>“Hi there.”</p><p>He turns to her; “I’m completely stumped. Was it like this for Jason?”</p><p>“I don’t understand what you mean.” She tells him.</p><p>“When he was trying to figure out what he needed, was it this difficult for him?” He takes one of the post-it notes reading ‘apologise for putting bag over cashier’s head’ and screws it up for the trash; “Did he have as much trouble working it out?”</p><p>“Jason never tried to find his moment.” Janet explains; “From what I observed being in…very, very close proximity to him on a daily and nightly basis, he was perfectly happy ‘chilling’ here and being with me. His moment came from playing the perfect game with his dad but…He wanted to do that for fun, I don’t believe he was planning on it making him feel ready to leave…It seemed to come as a surprise to him.”</p><p>“Oh…well, that’s Jason for you.” Michael waves off, a pang in his chest for the simple but sweet DJ he misses; “What about Tahani? I mean she had her list of goals, right?”</p><p>“Those were to find her purpose and to do everything she wanted here but, again, I don’t believe she was expecting her family coming together was to be what made her time here complete and, even when it did, she found a new purpose. She enjoyed achieving those goals for the thrill of it, so she told me, a way to find her calling.”</p><p>Michael paces around his desk, tapping his fingers on the surface.</p><p>“And Chidi?” There has to be answer here, somewhere.</p><p>“Once again, he didn’t want to leave. His feeling came from seeing Eleanor receive her mother’s affection and, even then, he was content to stick around to be with the woman he loved, until she was ready to let him go.” Janet gives a fond smile; “He even agreed to stick around longer when Eleanor said she wasn’t ready at first.”</p><p>Michael turns, surprised; “…He did?”</p><p>His oldest friend nods; “When Eleanor said she didn’t want to be left alone, he was willing to stay.”</p><p>Alone?</p><p>But…she wouldn’t…</p><p>Michael collapses into his chair; “She really said that?” he asks, quietly, looking up at Janet.</p><p>The omniscient being’s mouth opens and then closes as she reconsiders her words after the look on Michael’s face troubles her.</p><p>“I don’t think she meant it like…”</p><p>“Like what? Like I don’t matter?” He blinks, feeling a heat beneath his collar as if he’s been forced back into the bow-ties he hasn’t worn in centuries; “Like we don’t….?” He takes a breath; “Oh, fork! Ignore me. You’re right, I’m being silly…She even said, that night she came to me, she didn’t feel…”</p><p>She was probably just upset at the time. Heartbroken. The love of her life was leaving her, it was understandable she would be scared…and, of course, he’d be the last face on her mind.</p><p>Reassuring himself of that is easier than the other information Janet has shared.</p><p>“But the others…?” He starts, looking to their portraits hung on the wall; “None of them were actually looking for a reason to go?”</p><p>“Of course not, Michael. They all loved it here, with each other…with you.” She says, brightly, and he knows she’s trying her best to assure him; <em>You’re doing a good job. You made this place perfect for them.</em></p><p>A warm sensation buzzes through him at that. They truly were happy here.</p><p>…Except for Eleanor.</p><p> </p><p>*</p><p> </p><p>“I don’t get it!” She vents to him one evening, when he’s convinced her to come out for a drink at a simulation of one of her Phoenix bars; “I’ve had closure with my parents! With my friends! Even those environmental twerps….which, I probably just undid by calling them that, shirt…”</p><p>He sits on a stall beside her with a glass of whisky with comet-ice, silently wishing that every conversation they had didn’t turn into her talking about this.</p><p>Where had this come from? She’d never even suggested wanting to leave until Chidi did…</p><p>“Damn it, Michael, what the fork am I supposed to do?” She clenches her jaw, squeezing the olives in front of her.</p><p>He reaches to put a hand on her arm.</p><p>“Is it possible that you’re not supposed to rush this?” He suggests, cautiously; “It’s going to happen, maybe you just…have to wait? Janet said that’s what happened with the others.”</p><p>“It was different for those guys! They weren’t left here, alone!”</p><p>There’s that word again. Alone.</p><p>Michael wants to pretend he doesn’t hear it. He can’t.</p><p>“I know, but it’s not like you’re on a clock or anything, you have eternity in Paradise to figure this out…”</p><p>“I don’t want eternity here! I want to leave!” She snaps at him; “Don’t you get it?! Everyone else is gone, what possible reason could I have for wanting to stay?!”</p><p>Her words hang in the air like a dagger waiting to fall.</p><p>Michael removes his hand.</p><p>She’s right, he thinks as he looks away to his drink. She has no reason at all.</p><p>When he gets back to his office, he gets rid of the extra rooms he placed there for her that she hasn't visited to use in years, sick of having them go to waste.</p><p> </p><p>*</p><p> </p><p>A trip is what she needs. A surprise trip.</p><p>Something to cheer her up. If she’s going to be stuck here for who knows how long then he’s going to try to make it even more fun for her. Sure, he’s made attempts to ask her to join him on little days out to Disneyworld, which she’s rebuffed on the basis she’s too busy or has plans with a friend or family member she’s trying to sort her affairs out with.</p><p>This time is different. Something that will blow her mind. Alpha Centuri, a whole new system and planets that will make her realise there’s so much more she has yet to explore.</p><p>He’ll be insistent this time. He won’t take no for an answer.</p><p>“Janet!” He calls as he packs a suitcase.</p><p>“Michael…”</p><p>He brushes off the slightly quieter tone of her voice.</p><p>“Can you go get Eleanor for me? Don’t mention anything, it’s a surprise! She’s gonna forget all about wanting to leave or finding her ‘feeling’-.”</p><p>“She found it.”</p><p>He freezes.</p><p>“What’s that?”</p><p>Janet squeezes her thumb in front of her skirt; “She found it, Michael. Her final thing. She’s ready to go through the Door.”</p><p>Michael blinks, looking at the suitcase. It wasn’t really necessary considering where they were but it always added to the feel of going on holiday. It had taken him three hours. He snaps his fingers and it disappears, as if it was never there.</p><p>He rubs at his chest, looking at the empty spot still.</p><p>“That’s great…” He tries to smile; “What was it, in the end?”</p><p>“Convincing Mindy St. Claire to go through the system, with Tahani in charge of her test.” Janet explains to him; “Eleanor told me it was her way to repay how Mindy showed her that tape of her and Chidi and was rooting for them to get together, as well as all those times she helped us when we escaped before.”</p><p>Escaped from him.</p><p>Huh. <em>Some things never change.</em></p><p>“Well then! This is wonderful!” Michael claps his hands together; “New plan! We have a party to throw, just like we did for the others! But ten times better! We can hold it in the old neighborhood, like Jason’s, only no stupid EDM this time, we’ll have Rhianna and Taylor, and of course Steve Austin presenting. Oh, and the most epic karaoke stand-off-.”</p><p>“Michael.” Janet cuts him off again with a raise of her palm; “…We already had the party.”</p><p>He falls silent again.</p><p>They…</p><p>She…</p><p>What?</p><p>“It was just a quiet thing. A meal with Madison, Britt, Simone, her mother and Dave and Patricia.” Janet says, almost apologetic.</p><p>“And you?”</p><p>“Well I was in charge of hosting but…yeah.” She confesses, uneasily; “Me too.”</p><p>His fingers grip the edge of his desk as he looks down.</p><p>“I assumed she was planning on having a private moment with you but…After it was done, she told me to give you this.” Janet presents a sealed letter; “I wasn’t supposed to hand it over until after she’d gone through the door but…”</p><p>At least Janet thinks he deserved better than that.</p><p>With a shaking hand, he reaches out to take the envelope with his name on the front. He holds it in front of him, fighting back the tears in his eyes, barely able to contain all of the hot, bitter emotions that are festering inside of him.</p><p>“When?” He chokes out.</p><p>“I’m supposed to walk her there now. Michael, if you want, I can get her to come here. You two should really talk-.”</p><p>He slams the letter on the desk.</p><p>“Fork that!” He starts to laugh; “Who has time to talk these days, huh? Who has time to say goodbye? I mean, clearly, she’s in a rush to leave, who am I to try to stop her or hold her back? She could say goodbye to all of those others, she could see Tahani one last time, even Mindy St. Forking Claire, but me?! Who am I, huh? It’s not like I’m the one who has always been there for her! It’s not like I’ve offered to sacrifice myself for her, more than once! It’s not like I…”</p><p>Michael’s feet nearly wear out the floor in his furious pacing while Janet watches with heartbreak etched on her face.</p><p>“Just go, Janet. This is what she wants…then give it to her. Tell her I’m happy for her and best of luck, all that crab.” He whispers, sourly.</p><p>“Michael-.”</p><p>“GET OUT!”</p><p>It’s the first time he’s ever shouted at her. He regrets it before the words have left his mouth.</p><p>When he turns his head to apologise, Janet is gone.</p><p> </p><p>*</p><p> </p><p>He knows it’s petty. He knows he’s acting like a child.</p><p>This is what she first became friends with. A petulant brat of a demon who threw a hissy fit when things didn’t go his way. It’s as if ten thousand Bearimys of maturing and ethics slip away once Janet hands him that envelope.</p><p>That’s how he ends up trying to force his way through the Door ahead of Eleanor. It’s what all the cool kids are doing, after all. Leaving the damn Universe because they have nothing left worth living for.</p><p>What else does he have?</p><p>Once upon a time, he thought he had Eleanor. With all the others gone, it was okay, because at least he had his favorite human with him. The downside with that was, she didn’t <em>want</em> to be here. The only human in existence who had searched for a reason to leave because of how little existence meant once the love of her life was gone. How little he meant… It had been aeons since she had been fun to be around, since he felt as close to him as she once had. There’s only so many times you can have someone look you in the eye and tell you they feel alone before you realize how invisible you are to them.</p><p>When the person you love most in the cosmos acts as if you don’t exist…It’s not long before you start to wish it were true.</p><p>He wants out. He wants it to be over. What else does he have left to exist for? Even the afterlife council has disbanded. What is his purpose? Is this his punishment for an eternity of the pain he’s caused?</p><p>Fork. This is torture.</p><p>This is Hell in Heaven.</p><p> </p><p>*</p><p> </p><p>“How did it end?” Mary asks him as they walk through the park with Jason, the mutt having wined at them half way through the story until Michael relented to take him out, his teacher happy to join them.</p><p>Michael shrugs; “Like it always did; with her helping me. It turns out I was the real last thing she had left to do. She helped me get the life I always wanted but I thought was impossible.”</p><p>Certain details he has to change in order to tell this sweet human the story of his existence.</p><p>It’s amazing she doesn’t ask more questions because a lot of it must sound ridiculous as he tries his best to switch up the fantasy elements with Earth details. Michael would be surprised if she believes half the things he’s telling her, probably just indulging the crazy story of a mad man.</p><p>“After that…I felt ready to leave. I had a new purpose. A new life. And she…” Michael sits down on a bench in front of the duck pond; “She could finally move on. Just like she always wanted.”</p><p>“And did you two do what your friend Janet said?” His teacher is keen to know; “Did you talk?”</p><p> </p><p>*</p><p> </p><p>“Thank you, Eleanor.” He says to her, with all the sincere love in his heart; “Thank you.”</p><p>The only gift more wonderful than becoming human is the smile that appears on Eleanor’s face, topped off by the sparkle in her eyes. He watches as she takes that breath, that air of peace and quietude, of completion. He will be grateful to every member of Upper Management that he got to be here to witness it.</p><p>“You’re very welcome.” She tells him, suddenly as bright as the sun.</p><p>He smiles back at her; “That was it, wasn’t it?”</p><p>Eleanor nods, sniffing a little as it hits her; “Yeah, bud…I think it was.”</p><p>It makes him forget about the letter. It makes him forget about not being invited to her party. It makes him forget about the years of ghosting and hurtful, careless words tossed his way.</p><p>It was worth it for this moment.</p><p>“Well then…We’ve both got places to be! You better get going, while that feeling is still fresh.” He takes a step back; “Again, thank you so much for all of this…For everything…”</p><p>She frowns a little; “A-are you sure? I don’t have to leave right now. We could maybe have one last night? Go through some last-minute human lessons?”</p><p>Michael waves his hand between them.</p><p>“No, no, I wouldn’t wanna keep you here any longer!” He tries to skirt around her.</p><p>“Dude, it’s no trouble…”</p><p>“It’s fine, Eleanor!” He shrugs off the hand that reaches out to him; “Trust me. This is better than any goodbye I thought I deserved between us.”</p><p>She goes still at that.</p><p>His new human eyes can’t read whatever is going through her right now. He can only assume it’s the same itching to leave that she’s had since she said goodbye to Chidi.</p><p>“Michael, I…”</p><p>“Stop.” He tells her, “It’s okay. It’s like you’ve been saying all this time….What possible reason could you have for wanting to stay here?”</p><p>She closes her eyes. He wishes he had left after seeing her smile.</p><p>
  <em>End it before you make her sad. End it before you ruin everything for her again.</em>
</p><p>Michael takes a breath and reaches out his hand.</p><p>“It was a pleasure saving humanity with you, Eleanor Shellstrop.” He says, distant and formal, the opposite of everything their relationship had once been. Now it’s all that feels ever really mattered. As if they had no connection outside of working together.</p><p>Arcade trips, study groups, frozen yogurt, late night chats and minion toys seem to have fallen into a black hole at some point during their time here.</p><p>There’s a wince before she reaches out to take his hand, giving it a squeeze.</p><p>For a second, he thinks she’s about to lean in, to reach out to him with her other hand, before she holds herself back.</p><p>Or maybe he was just imagining things.</p><p>Their final touch lingers for less than five seconds before Michael pulls his hand away. Too much has been rotted with time to go back now. He nods at Janet who leads him out the door, changing his clothes as he goes and summoning a frog cage in his arms as one last gift to Jeff.</p><p>He hears the green door close behind him and knows he will never see Eleanor’s face again.</p><p> </p><p>*</p><p> </p><p>Michael gently strums a few, melancholy notes as his story comes to its end. His far too patient teacher sits on the edge of his coffee table, looking sadly at him as if hoping he’ll say more, as if the ending can be changed. He wishes it could. He’s been wishing that for so long.</p><p>“You never told her how you felt?” Mary asks, carefully.</p><p>He bites his lip.</p><p>“Would you tell someone you were in love with them when all you ever saw was how in love they were with someone else? Someone who…deserved them?” He could never compare to Chidi.</p><p>Even when the professor had left the Universe, Eleanor spent more time watching that video tape on loop and staring at his calendar or videos of their memories than she did anywhere else, or with anyone. Including him. He couldn’t even compete with a damn ghost.</p><p>“Do you think I should have?” He asks her.</p><p>“It’s never a terrible thing to know someone loves you, Mike.” She smiles; “It sounds as if the two of you were very similar people. Maybe too similar.”</p><p>That’s how it always felt. As if Eleanor were another part of his soul that he’d been missing for all of his existence until the day she appeared in his waiting room.</p><p>“Maybe the reason she didn’t say goodbye was the same reason you never told her how you felt?” Mary tries, ever so gentle; “Given all that history between the two of you, she thought it didn’t need saying? A lot of people are like that. That’s why it usually comes out in a song.”</p><p>He’s still working on that one, having long given up on his Purple Train shamble.</p><p>“Did you at least read the letter?” Mary asks him.</p><p>He shakes his head; “I never saw the point. If she felt it wasn’t worth saying then what difference would it be to read it?” There’s an edge of bitterness to his words.</p><p>It wasn’t worth saying them to his face. It wasn’t worth coming to say goodbye.</p><p>“Letters can be like songs. It’s easier than saying what we feel out loud.”</p><p>He has to laugh, a little, trying not to scoff; “Oh, I know <em>exactly</em> how she felt. She said it enough, out loud, every time I saw her until the end. Trust me, there’s nothing in that letter that would have made the last few years better, I’m sure. Anyway…it doesn’t matter now. I left it back in the…” he clears his throat before he says the wrong detail; “Back in Australia.”</p><p>Australia, the afterlife, they’re practically the same, right?</p><p>His great big mutt kicks his leg as it stretches out on the sofa, taking up most of the space beside him. Michael puts his guitar down while Mary finishes the last sip of her coffee.</p><p>“I’m so sorry. I feel like I should be paying you for therapy, not guitar lessons.” He tries to smile.</p><p>She doesn’t seem the least bit irritated by the diversion their classes have taken of late, with him revealing little details about his past to her where possible, feeling the need to share it with someone, while careful not to jeopardize how it affects her potential afterlife. He’s unsure if the old rules still apply when it comes to how much humans know.</p><p>Upper Management forbid he dooms another, just in case Shawn has launched a coup to bring back the ‘classic system’.</p><p>“The two aren’t always mutually exclusive. Music can be therapeutic…and you have a lovely voice to listen to.” She says, elbows on her knees as she stares at him.</p><p>There’s a warm rush to his cheeks. Compliments still have a way of making him melt all too easily.</p><p>“You’re a good listener.” He tries to return, “And…rather pleasant to look at.” Damn it, he still hasn’t quite got the hang of praising human attractiveness.</p><p>It makes Mary giggle and tuck a curl behind her ear, so he assumes it didn’t suck.</p><p>“You know…I wouldn’t be surprised if this girl of yours decides to show up again. From what you’ve told me about her, she doesn’t sound like the type to want to leave things the way you two did.”</p><p>That weight of regret plummets down in his chest again.</p><p>“Oh, I very much doubt it. In fact…” He takes a deep breath; “I’m almost certain she no longer exists.”</p><p>Three whole Bearimys of feeling alone and lost. Of course she grabbed at the opportunity to leave this Universe as soon as it appeared to her. That’s why Michael made such a quick rush to go the second she had given him that final gift. He hadn’t wanted to prolong her misery a moment longer. He had wanted her to be free. He had gone to that door to Earth, confident that Eleanor would seen be at peace, like she’d wanted for so long.</p><p>He doesn’t dare to hope that she will be there when he dies and completes his tests. The hope of seeing Tahani again, as well as the near certainty his Janet will be there to welcome him back, is more than enough to comfort him on the colder nights.</p><p>“You said that your friend Jason…human, I’m assuming, not canine,” Mary blusters a little, tossing an apologetic look when the dog raises his head; “You said he waited to give one last gift to his girlfriend before they broke up and she thought he’d left?”</p><p>He’d obviously left out the part about exactly how long the sweet idiot had waited, meditating serenely in the forest, until he was able to give Janet their necklace.</p><p>Michael waves a finger; “Ah…But you’re forgetting an important detail. Obviously, Jason waited for Janet…He loved her.”</p><p>Mary tilts her head; “You don’t think your friend loved you?”</p><p>That really is the ultimate question. If only his answer could be the same as it was for Chidi.</p><p>“I think she cared about me. I think she was fond of me, I guess. I suppose she felt she ‘owed’ me, the same way she owed Mindy. I was…<em>something</em> to her, which is more than I could have hoped for, considering how we started off.” He says, looking at his hands; “…But it wasn’t love, I don’t think…At least, not at the end. I tried to tell myself that it was, once upon a time, that it might be…Even if I knew it wasn’t the same love that I had for her or that she had for Chidi…That it was some kind of love that was just as special…Like the kind all our group seemed to have for each other…”</p><p>The tears start to form once more and he removes his glasses, pinching the bridge of his nose.</p><p>“But…It can’t have been. I’ve been telling myself a better story when the truth became more obvious after Chidi left. Because I didn’t <em>count</em> the same as her other friends, let alone the man she loved.” He says, cracks running through each words, “Without the others…with just me…she was ‘alone’, so she kept saying. I tried my best to be there for her, to help her, for all that time…And she never even saw me there.” He blinks through the wetness in his eyes and stares at Mary, “…How can you love someone if you can’t see them?”</p><p>Even his teacher, in all her basic human kindness and experienced wisdom, looks stumped for the answer he wants more than anything.</p><p>He’s been so afraid of saying those words out loud, of facing the reality of what his and Eleanor’s relationship had become by the end. He was afraid that stating the facts would destroy what closeness they had shared once upon a time, before Chidi left, before Chidi got his memories back, before he brought the humans back from the dead…The farther he has to look back, the more difficult it is with his condensed, human brain that struggles to hold the eternity of memories he used to have. What if most of those moments he remembers, when he and Eleanor were thick as thieves, linked like two perfect paperclips…were merely a dream? Or had been idealised in his mind while barely worth remembering to her by the end?</p><p>Like those fantasies of the two of them ruling Hell together, of running off to escape to chaotic dimensions or an alternate Earth? A timeline where he’d been brave enough to kiss her before Chidi found the courage to? Where he’d been the ones she’d said those words to she so rarely said to anyone? Where the real, tangible moments of her affection and trust as tangible as those lost dreams of his?</p><p>What does it matter now? She’s gone…</p><p>She’s gone…and she was never going to be his…His anything...</p><p>Suddenly it feels as if that weight which had been dragging him down before has lifted from his chest. And yet it doesn’t remove the cloud of sadness from his head, only brings forth the downpour.</p><p>It takes a minute for him to feel Mary squeezing his hand.</p><p>“With all due respect, sweetie.” She whispers; “…I think you’re wrong.”</p><p>“Oh? Why’s that?”</p><p>He tries not to snap at her, not when she’s been lovely enough to resist running away at his pathetic weeping. How can she know, though? She never met Eleanor. She never saw…all the crazy shit they went through together. The stunted rollercoaster that was that fucked up relationship of highs and lows that juddered out into a flat, emotionless anti-climax.</p><p>He is truly curious to know, after everything he’s told her, what could possibly hint to her having had any real feelings for him.</p><p>Mary rubs her thumb over his hand; “Because I struggle to believe anyone could be close to you and not fall in love, just a little bit.”</p><p>Oh.</p><p>Oh…boy.</p><p>Damn it, what is he supposed to say to that?</p><p>Thank whatever deity is watching over him, he’s saved by Mary’s phone buzzing with a text message from her sister that she’s due to meet up with for dinner. So that’s what the term ‘saved by the bell’ means!</p><p>When he helps her put her coat on as she leaves, she slips a pink post-it note into his palm.</p><p>“But I’ve already got your number?” He frowns as he reads it.</p><p>“That’s my…personal cell, not the one I give for students.” Mary tells him with a bat of her eyelids; “Just…y’know…in case you have more stories to share. Like I said, you have the perfect voice for them.”</p><p>As she walks out his front door, Michael doesn’t think he’s felt this thirsty since he manifested in this dry, hot city a year ago.</p><p>Before he closes it, Mary turns around again.</p><p>“By the way…I noticed that you never said her name?”</p><p>Michael meets her gaze.</p><p>“Her name was Eleanor.”</p><p> </p><p>*</p><p> </p><p>Janet tries, one last time, before they reach the Crossroads. They both ignore Trevor as he flies over their heads, continuing his screaming into the endless void. Couldn’t have happened to a nicer guy.</p><p>“There’s still time, Michael, she’s still waiting for me to lead her there.” She tells him, pleadingly; “Just…talk to her. Tell her how you feel-.”</p><p>“For the last time…” He cuts her off, turning to her, his other arm cradling the frog cage; “I’m doing what she wanted. She didn’t wanna say goodbye and I’m not gonna force that on her. I want my last memory of her to be that smile on her face when she felt complete…Anything else, any silly or pointless confessions, are just gonna complicate things. Trust me, Janet. I know her…I’ve always known her and I’ll always love…” He swallows, “…This is for the best.”</p><p>His oldest friend does not look the least bit convinced.</p><p>She produces a white envelope that manifests in her hand; “At least take this with you. You didn’t open it before…She at least wanted you to know whatever is in there.”</p><p>Michael sighs and takes the envelope, folding it up to put in his pocket.</p><p>He gives a sad smile as he looks over the railing to the endless, black void.</p><p>“I should’ve just asked Tahani how she coped when she came to the same epiphany.” He muses, aloud.</p><p>“What’s that?” asks Janet.</p><p>“Knowing you were never going to be enough for someone.”</p><p>His friend opens her mouth to speak. Then closes it without a word uttered.</p><p>That’s the last either of them mention of Eleanor Shellstrop before they carry on their walk, not wanting to sour this precious, exciting moment anymore with past regrets. He’s about to get the thing he’s always wanted, ever since he was that weirdo demon who was more fascinated in collecting human trinkets than pulling out their insides. This is a happy moment, the happiest he’s ever been.</p><p>There was always a tiny, almost guilty part of him that knew he never belonged in the Good Place. Even when he was accepted there and immediately made its new leader, a part of him felt called to somewhere else, but he could put it off so long as it meant being with his friends. Seeing the people he loved most in the Universe be happy together. Then they all left, or moved on, and the one who was left was far from happy…The call had become stronger, louder, and yet he’d continued to block it out to focus on her…</p><p>Now all he has is the call. All he has is the path ahead, to where he truly belongs. There’s no looking back anymore. He’s, <em>finally</em>, going home.</p><p> </p><p>*</p><p> </p><p>It’s surprisingly easy to find an empty metal trashcan to start a fire in, in a back alley in Phoenix. It’s hardly shocking the amount of people here who have evidence or bills to want to burn.</p><p>Michael thinks he should consider it a rite of passage as he stands in front of this one.</p><p>Striking a match, he tosses it into the can, letting the flames rise up.</p><p>He unfolds the envelope. The one he’s carried around in the pocket of every pair of pants he’s worn, every day, for this past year as a human on Earth. His letter from Eleanor. Still unopened.</p><p>There have been sleepless nights where he’s sat up, staring at it in his hands, daring himself to open it. Tear it. Rip the band-aid off and see what she had to say for herself. The answers to all those difficult questions are probably a thin slip of paper away from being revealed to him. And yet here he is, months on, still so afraid to read the words of a woman who most likely no longer exists on any plane of reality.</p><p>His other hand reaches into a different pocket, pulling out the note Mary had slipped him earlier.</p><p>Her number.</p><p>Eleanor’s letter.</p><p>His past. His future.</p><p>Michael looks into the dancing flames as he clutches the two pieces of paper in either hand.</p><p>“I dunno if you can hear me…Wherever you are now…” he speaks to the fire; “I hope you found that peace you were looking for. I hope that…somehow…you and Chidi were able to find each other again. Fuck, I miss you all so much…I mean, everything here is as great as I thought it would be but…No one warned me about how hard it is to move on. Or how hard it is to know which take-out won’t give you food poisoning.”</p><p>In hindsight, he probably should have taken up her offer for those human lessons before he came down here.</p><p>“I once thought you were the most amazing human I’d ever met…And I still do.” He continues, “No matter what happened between us, I will always be grateful to everything you taught me and how much you helped me…How many times you saved me. I always looked up to you. You turned a monster into a man...long before you let me become a real human. Chidi might have had all the answers…but you were the Answer. Except. You didn’t <em>always</em> get it right. I see that now.”</p><p>He stuffs Mary’s number back in the fold of his jeans and holds the envelope in both hands.</p><p>“You spent your last few Bearimys rushing towards the end even though you had chosen to stay. That’s when you weren’t watching memories of you and Chidi on loop, never letting yourself move on. And I know you were never gonna fall in love with me, I was fine with that…But I wasn’t fine with you never trying to find something new to exist for…Wanting to disappear before you were even ready. Maybe I could’ve helped you better with that…and I’m sorry I couldn’t, really, until the end…and I take equal responsibility for letting what we had fall apart…”</p><p>Michael turns the paper over in his hands, examining her handwriting, the ‘x’ underneath his name.</p><p>“Maybe you wrote to tell me goodbye. Maybe you explained why you couldn’t face me. Maybe you wrote that you loved me, or confessed that we’d never been friends at all and that was all some devious long-game con to get me to save you guys – in which case, impressive work, as always.” He smirks, obviously not dumb enough to be that cynical, “I’m sure all the answers are here…but it won’t make a difference. It won’t change how we left things. It won’t fix what we were too blind or afraid to do ourselves. I’m going to appreciate what we had…not what could’ve been or what wasn’t… And I’m not letting this letter become my secret video-tape. I’m not going to waste this gift you gave me. The best opposite-torture ever. You wanted me to live…And that’s what I’m gonna do.”</p><p>He tosses the unopened envelope into the trashcan, watching as the flames quickly devour it, his name disintegrating along with the paper itself.</p><p>Another weight is lifted from his ancient, tired soul.</p><p>“Thank you, Eleanor…Rest in peace. No gorgeous Arizona dirtbag has earned that more than you.”</p><p>Across the flickering embers, perhaps only in his mere human imagination, Michael thinks he sees her smile.</p><p>Patting his pocket, making sure Mary’s number is safely tucked inside, he turns to go home.</p><p> </p>
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